anew.

changing changing changing. churning churning churning.
its been a while since i've wrote here. and things are definitely changing. in 42 days i move to denton, start art school, and a new life. as well, my love for traveling has come back. but that'll be a new post. things have been looking up, getting better, and the bad is leaving. here's a list:

•  i went into this summer with a bunch of indifferent friendships from high school. now i leave with a new traveling tribe, friends all over the united states, and the ones that already meant the most to me.

•  i'm excited for school to start. though i haven't worked on my art much, i'm ready to be in an environment with more people like me. orientation gave me a taste, but its about time i drive head first. plus, i'm ready to be in denton, making a life for myself, and growing up!
• relationships are ending and thats always a bummer, but i have faith that its what is best. some times God gives us people just to learn and after a while its time to move on. 
• my faith in God is stronger than ever. after being able to really focus on him and see his greatness, my eyes have been opened. If it wasn't for God i would've never been able to go to Cornerstone this year. Plus, just hearing wonderful traveling stories about people putting all their trust in him, blows my mind. its awesome to see God's work. 
• family, family, family. everyone is growing up and moving out. including me. in 32 days my beautiful sister will be getting married and starting her own life away from home. the  best thing? she's moving 10 minutes away from my new home. its amazing to see that though we are getting older and having to grow up, we're still staying together. we fight a lot and have our falling outs, but she's still my sister and i love her with all my heart. 

• this lovely blog. i'm gonna try to keep it more up to date and actually post on it at least once a week. as well, i'm changing the name and my focus for it. now it'll be all about my journey through life and my journey in the world as a traveler. for a while this blog was all about starting something new and finding out what i'm going to do with my life. now that i've found home in myself and started figuring things out, its time to close my very first chapter and start anew. 

i'll get better.

i keep forgetting to update this thing. BUT life has finally started. i'm officially a graduate of both high school and college and completely ready to start my real life. its so thrilling. i feel like i can finally find me and be someone i like. basically, i can finally start my journey to myself! lets see where this goes.

"listen to the colour of your dreams"

so last night i had a dream that everywhere my boyfriend and i went people kept yelling at us. We were at school, and every time he tried to hold my hand or hug me or anything, this certain teacher would follow us around and yell at us to stop. We then went to my house and my dad was doing the same thing! while the dream is silly, it still frustrated me and really pointed something out. Too many extra people are involved in my relationship. just yesterday, my sister made some comment about marsh and it bothered me all day and made me question our whole relationship up to this point. no one should have that much power over a relationship they're not even in. no one. basically, having this dream proved to be somewhat of a wake up call for me.

kissing in cars.

one car, two different kisses. one forced, full of aggression and too much tongue, and one sweet and simple and wrapped in promises of a future. two different guys, two different times.
Last winter, I wanted love so bad I let anyone in hoping it'd work. My dear ladies, this is never a good idea. Putting myself in that vulnerable of a position only leads to one thing: being taken advantage of. After a winter of pain and not being able to get in my car without thinking of said boy and the night he shoved his tongue down my throat, February came and I finally decided to pick myself up again. Though I wanted love, I gave up hope.
Spring is officially here and I've never wanted love any less than I do now, but isn't that the time when it finds you the most? well here i am, waiting for the boy who wins my heart more and more every day to come pick me up. he might not be the usual kind of guy i date, but he's loving and gentle. oh how i need gentle. so here's to giving the unlikely candidates chances and letting my heart lead over my head.
and he's here.

roads that lead to home

"sometimes you can go down the same road a hundred times and still not recognize it." I said this earlier as I drove past the exit I used to take every single day of summer 2010. as I thought about this statement, I realized it goes for more than just driving. here I am 18 years old and going down the same self destructive path I've gone since 7th grade. ive always said I'd change this change that, but never changed them. I've said I'd quit this quit that, and I haven't quit them. all of this is to say, I've finally realized how hard it is to change once a lifestyle has been put into place. I'm not saying its going to magically be easier now, it all just finally clicked. people say you can change and be the person you wanna be, but do you ever really get away from who you used to be? it follows you. if you were once a self-abuser, like I was, it always stays apart of you. there's always a little voice deep down inside that provokes it. same with drug addicts, alcoholics, people who are depressed, and etc. it all just stays. it may get covered up, or pushed away, but it's there. to basically wrap this all up, today I realized that I'm forever stuck on the same road. I can choose to decorate it differently, clean it up, or turn it into a highway, but it will always be the same road I started on and I need to learn to love it just as I need to lean to love myself. 

day 2

March is finally here and this month will bring both happiness and sadness. In exactly 5 days the first guy to ever get me to quit drugs (and etc) and the first I ever saw myself marrying is getting married to another girl. I know i should be happy for him, but the way things ended and the way things just started up for them, just keep me down. within a week, I was out and she was in. But the worst part is that for them to continue in their relationship, I had to go. In one week, i lost someone i really loved and my best friend for a girl that can count her real features on one hand. It's a hard thing to recover from. Now they're getting married and I've decided that I'm happy for him if he's happy and I wish them all the best. I just wish i could still be somewhat part of his life. For a while, i thought maybe it could work, but with a wedding five days away and an invitation in my sister's hands and not mine, I guess not. That's right ladies and gentlemen, my sister got invited, but i didn't. yep. worst feeling in the world.

but enough about the sad! spring break is in 7 days and I will be going on a road trip with my mom and staying in a cabin up in the smokey mountains. Honestly, i can't wait to get away. Most people like to go to the beaches and party harty, but i'm excited to be in an old arts and craft-filled town where i know absolutely no one. plus, perfect weather and so much nature. counting down the seconds. 

day 1

My name is Samantha Noel. I'm 18 years old, average height, overweight, and as of 32 days ago a visual arts major. I have no idea what i'm doing with my life or where i'm going, but i intend to find out soon enough. I am currently unemployed, always sleep deprived, and have a lust for tattoos and adventure that can't be quenched. Up to this point in my life, I've been wasting time, energy, space, and chances. This is my prologue to the book i'm going to start living. To the chances I will start taking and the changes i will start making. This is me finally sprouting out to the world.