roads that lead to home

"sometimes you can go down the same road a hundred times and still not recognize it." I said this earlier as I drove past the exit I used to take every single day of summer 2010. as I thought about this statement, I realized it goes for more than just driving. here I am 18 years old and going down the same self destructive path I've gone since 7th grade. ive always said I'd change this change that, but never changed them. I've said I'd quit this quit that, and I haven't quit them. all of this is to say, I've finally realized how hard it is to change once a lifestyle has been put into place. I'm not saying its going to magically be easier now, it all just finally clicked. people say you can change and be the person you wanna be, but do you ever really get away from who you used to be? it follows you. if you were once a self-abuser, like I was, it always stays apart of you. there's always a little voice deep down inside that provokes it. same with drug addicts, alcoholics, people who are depressed, and etc. it all just stays. it may get covered up, or pushed away, but it's there. to basically wrap this all up, today I realized that I'm forever stuck on the same road. I can choose to decorate it differently, clean it up, or turn it into a highway, but it will always be the same road I started on and I need to learn to love it just as I need to lean to love myself. 

day 2

March is finally here and this month will bring both happiness and sadness. In exactly 5 days the first guy to ever get me to quit drugs (and etc) and the first I ever saw myself marrying is getting married to another girl. I know i should be happy for him, but the way things ended and the way things just started up for them, just keep me down. within a week, I was out and she was in. But the worst part is that for them to continue in their relationship, I had to go. In one week, i lost someone i really loved and my best friend for a girl that can count her real features on one hand. It's a hard thing to recover from. Now they're getting married and I've decided that I'm happy for him if he's happy and I wish them all the best. I just wish i could still be somewhat part of his life. For a while, i thought maybe it could work, but with a wedding five days away and an invitation in my sister's hands and not mine, I guess not. That's right ladies and gentlemen, my sister got invited, but i didn't. yep. worst feeling in the world.

but enough about the sad! spring break is in 7 days and I will be going on a road trip with my mom and staying in a cabin up in the smokey mountains. Honestly, i can't wait to get away. Most people like to go to the beaches and party harty, but i'm excited to be in an old arts and craft-filled town where i know absolutely no one. plus, perfect weather and so much nature. counting down the seconds.